Guides

Rap sheet highlights

Draft Him has 206 possible outcomes. These are a sample, so there’s still plenty to discover in the game. New players see only the tamer ones at first: stranger outcomes unlock after 10, 25 and 50 career picks.

Arrests

The most common way for a fantasy career to end, and the one with the best paperwork.

• Tried to outrun a police horse. The horse ran a 4.3.
• Booked on 11 counts of grand theft golf cart.
• Pulled over on a bicycle. Failed the field sobriety test. Fell off the bicycle during the test.
• Arrested for stealing a police dog. Says the dog chose him.
• Ran from police straight into his team’s practice facility. Ran a crisper route than he does on Sundays. uncommon
• Escaped from county jail by tunneling out with a fantasy trophy. Came back for curfew. rare
• Arrested at 3 a.m. for racing a jet ski down the interstate.
• Clocked at 142 mph. Told police he was late to a team meeting about speeding.
• Arrested at a 24-hour waffle place at 4 a.m. Nobody, including him, can explain why.
• Clocked at 98 in a school zone. Says he was “running a route.”
• Arrested for fighting a goose at the team picnic. The goose has retained counsel.
• Arrested for selling fake tickets to his own game. He didn’t show up either.
• Crashed a supercar into a supercar dealership while buying a supercar. rare

Suspensions

The league office takes these very seriously.

• Popped for Adderall. Says he needed it to study the playbook. Has never opened the playbook.
• Suspended for selling his game-worn cleats. During the game. To a fan.
• Suspended under the personal conduct policy. Nobody, including the league, knows what it says. uncommon
• Fought the mascot over who gets to use the T-shirt cannon. uncommon
• Snuck a hot dog onto the field in his pants. The hot dog tested positive. rare

Injuries

Most of these players were healthy for years, right up until you drafted them.

• Tore his ACL celebrating being drafted by you.
• Injured in a hot tub incident he refuses to describe.
• Hurt his hand high-fiving the mascot. The mascot has been suspended.
• Scored a touchdown, spiked the ball into his own face, and left the game.
• Hurt his knee filming a dance for his socials. 4 million views. 6 weeks out.
• Pulled a hamstring sprinting to the buffet line.
• Tore a ligament doing the worm in the end zone.
• Faked an injury to skip a team meeting. Got actually injured faking it. uncommon
• Missed three games with a “sore everything.” uncommon

Things nobody can explain

Technically not crimes.

• Called 911 to report that his fantasy manager was harassing him. It was you.
• Unfollowed the team on social media and posted a single 🤫.
• Dropped a wide-open touchdown because he was watching himself on the stadium big screen.
• Listed as “questionable, personal reasons.” Was spotted at a casino.
• Found asleep in the cold tub during the second half.
• Took a nap in the trainer’s room. Woke up in the fourth quarter.
• Stiff-armed his own blocker. Then the referee. Ejected.
• Traded to a team that only throws to the other guy. uncommon
• Lost his entire signing bonus on a coin called $GOAT. uncommon
• Hired his cousin as his agent. His cousin is 15. uncommon
• Called himself “the best in the league” on a podcast. Then caught zero passes. uncommon
• Refused to cross midfield because his horoscope said no. uncommon
• Started a flat-earth podcast. Episode 1: “Are Footballs Even Real?” rare
• Fell for a stranger on the kiss cam. Left at halftime. Engaged by the fourth quarter. rare
• Traded for a used minivan. The minivan has better hands. rare

Legendary

About one pick in a hundred, a player does something good. The league is reviewing it.

• Stopped a purse snatcher with a perfect form tackle, then scored three touchdowns. Fined for the tackle. legendary
• He did nothing wrong. He scored 41 points. He was on your bench. legendary
• Completely normal week. Experts are baffled. legendary
• Played every snap. Paid his taxes. Calls his mom. The league has opened an investigation. legendary
• Stayed healthy, stayed out of trouble, and won you the championship. Then your alarm went off. legendary
• Showed up early, stayed late and thanked his offensive line. Nobody knows how to report this. legendary
• Scored four touchdowns and donated his game check. Fined for making everyone else look bad. legendary

Every player in these stories is fictional, and that’s the only reason they’re funny. See what happens to yours, or read the strategy guide to find out how to avoid it.