Meet the league
Your league is called Commish Is A Fraud. There are eight teams, one group chat, and nobody in it has ever said anything supportive.
The managers
Commish Dave · Commissioner’s Discretion
Dave runs the league, makes the rules, and reviews complaints about Dave. He drafts nine players a week and once gave himself three more during something he called Commissioner’s Week. In the chat he’s fond of saying “I don’t make the rules. I do make the rules, actually.” He takes all of this very seriously.
Big Mike · Big Mike’s Bail Fund
Eight picks a week and a confidence that nothing in his record has earned. Big Mike will tell you that he’s doing you a favor. He is not doing you a favor.
Tyler (owes $40) · Venmo Me Later
Tyler owes you $40. It has been three years. He will offer to include it in a trade. He won’t.
Your Brother-in-Law · Thanksgiving Grudge
You always play him in Week 12, and the winner carves the turkey. He offers a family discount on trades and asks you not to tell your sister. There’s a 45% chance he knows something.
Kev · Kev’s Kickers
Kev drafts nine players a week and every one of them is a kicker. This is either a total misunderstanding of football or the most advanced strategy in the league. Kickers do get arrested less. Nobody has told him.
Chad (2x champ) · Back-to-Back Chad
Chad has won two titles, and his team scores 10% more than it should. Everyone in the chat is careful to mention that those titles came before the league had rules. He’s the least trustworthy man you could possibly trade with, and he’d like to tell you about a guy.
Derek (inactive since 2019) · Auto-Draft Derek
Derek hasn’t logged in since 2019. His team still auto-drafts six players a week. He says nothing in the group chat. He remains on the schedule, and he might beat you.
The authorities
Officer Plunkett
Plunkett makes a lot of your players’ arrests. He starts to recognize your draft picks by the third one, and by the fifth he has joined your league’s group chat. He has his own achievement, On a First-Name Basis, for getting 10 of your players arrested. There’s a scouting report that simply reads, “Officer Plunkett has his number saved.”
The league office
A faceless body that responds to every crisis by announcing how seriously it’s being taken. The game keeps count of how many times it says so, right at the top of the screen.
Talking back
The group chat isn’t just there to insult you, or at least it isn’t only there to insult you. You can type into it, or use the Talk trash, Defend my picks and Blame the curse buttons, and the league will respond. Mention Dave or say the word “rigged” and see what happens. Join the league.
Every person, team and league in Draft Him is made up.