Season guide
A season lasts 16 weeks. Eight managers play 14 regular-season weeks, then everyone goes to a bracket: four to the playoffs and four to the Toilet Bowl. Nobody gets to go home early.
How the season is laid out
| Weeks | What happens |
|---|---|
| 1–14 | Regular season. You play each manager twice. Standings go by wins, then total points |
| 9 | Trade Deadline: two extra waiver picks |
| 12 | Thanksgiving: you always play your brother-in-law, with 60 bonus clout if you win |
| 15 | Semifinals: 1st vs 4th and 2nd vs 3rd for the title. 5th vs 8th and 6th vs 7th in the Toilet Bowl bracket |
| 16 | Finals for every place, from the Championship down to the Toilet Bowl itself |
Weekly events
Many weeks come with a twist from the league office. It appears on the matchup card at the start of the week.
| Event | Effect |
|---|---|
| Short-Week Thursday | Injuries are more likely |
| London Game | Your players score 20% less, but clout is doubled |
| Snow Game | Everyone scores 25% less |
| Monday Night Miracle | Legendary players are five times as likely |
| Commissioner’s Week | Dave gives himself three extra picks |
| Flexed to 1 a.m. | Double clout |
| Bye Week Chaos | Opponents score 30% less |
| Replacement Refs | Every score is random |
| Crackdown Week | Arrests are up |
| Checkpoint on Stadium Drive | Arrests are way up, for everybody |
| Ride-Along Week | Fewer arrests, more weird stuff, and everyone scores 15% less |
Double-clout weeks are the best time to make all your picks count. In Crackdown and Checkpoint weeks, the criminal reports are even more dangerous than usual.
Weekly bounties
Each week also posts a bounty for extra clout. Some of them reward you for things going badly, which is the most Draft Him sentence possible.
| Bounty | Reward |
|---|---|
| Get 2 players arrested | 25 |
| Get a player suspended | 20 |
| Put 2 players on the injury report | 20 |
| Find 3 outcomes nobody can explain | 25 |
| Find an uncommon or rarer outcome | 25 |
| Draft a kicker | 15 |
| Find one player who scores 8 or more | 30 |
| Make the league say “very seriously” twice | 20 |
| Score 15 or more this week | 30 |
| Win this week’s matchup | 20 |
A bounty can change who you should pick. If this week pays 25 clout for two arrests, that man with four jet skis suddenly looks like a fine investment.
Trade offers
From Week 2 on, a rival may offer you a player, for clout, just below the Draft button. The player’s projection is about 15% better than normal. The catch is that the manager may know something you don’t.
| Manager | Pitch | Chance he knew |
|---|---|---|
| Chad | “Trust me bro, he’s clean.” | 60% |
| Commish Dave | “As commissioner, I can confirm he’s fine.” | 50% |
| Your brother-in-law | “Family discount. Don’t tell your sister.” | 45% |
| Big Mike | “I’m doing you a favor here.” | 40% |
| Tyler | “I’ll throw in the $40 I owe you.” | 40% |
| Kev | “It’s a kicker. It’s always a kicker.” | 35% |
Kev is the most honest trade partner in the league. He’s also only ever selling kickers.
Press conferences and bodycam footage
Every so often the commissioner holds a press conference, or the police release bodycam footage of one of your players’ traffic stops. Each one pays 10 clout. They’re also some of the best jokes in the game, so don’t skip them.
The Toilet Bowl and last place
Finish in the bottom four and you’re in the Toilet Bowl bracket. Lose that too and you’re last, and the league chooses your punishment. Past sentences include:
- Retake the SAT and post your score in the group chat.
- Spend 24 hours inside a 24-hour waffle place. The clock resets if you leave.
- Do five minutes at an open mic. All material must be about your roster.
- Hand-write an apology to every player you drafted. Some are in prison. Mail it anyway.
It’s fictional. You don’t have to do any of it. But you’ll know. Start a season.